# what i look forward to
I spent the past weekend back in my home state. Somehow, my driver’s license went missing, and I had to be at the local DMV in person to get a new one. As I was driving back to college, lost in thought and trying to beat the oncoming thunderstorm (I lost) I realized something pathetically depressing about myself.
The only thing I really look forward to, the only thing that keeps me going day after day, is food. Isn’t that sad?
Every day I look forward to stuffing my face and nothing else. Everything feels like a chore; getting up in the morning, dragging myself to class, spending time on makeup and hair. I haven’t had any romantic interest in people for years, and, again, depressingly, I had my first kiss ever in my Freshman year of college. So I can’t even say that I have any one to look forward to, someone I get out of bed for every day. It’s just me, myself, and food.
See this? That picture above? I would FUCK this UP if I had the chance. I love food.
My relationship with food has been…rocky. And that’s putting it very, extremely mildly. In not so mild terms, my relationship with food has been fucking awful. A train wreck. Sometimes I feel like an addict, worrying and thinking about where and when I’m going to get my next fix of something salty or smothered in chocolate. I awake in the middle of the night, ravenous and hunting for whatever is in my reach, and sometimes I do not remember these midnights snacks; more than once I woke up to chocolate smears and crinkled wrappers underneath my pillow.
Food is the only thing that seems to fill that hollow gap inside of me, although we go around and around in a vicious cycle; I feel good for a few minutes, especially when binging, and then I run out of food. And then I feel bad because I ate all that food. So what’s the solution here? Try to go on a diet to lose that weight. But, inevitably, something stressful happens because life is a constant disappointment, and I turn right back to the only thing that makes me feel better.
And the one thing that makes me feel alive comes as a double-edged sword; it has affected my health so negatively that i am afraid I am hovering over the point of no return. These past few years, I have seen a weight gain of no less than fifty to seventy pounds; I was religiously taking an antidepressant that blocked my emotions (obviously I ate to get an inkling of feeling back) and it made me so hungry, twenty four seven. It exacerbated my binge eating disorder, turning from a couple binges a week to binging nearly every day. I can’t run like I used to. My chest is becoming entirely too heavy, and I am unable to fit my bras anymore. I need to buy a new wardrobe, as my clothes haven’t fit me well in months.
I’m miserable being this overweight, and to top it off, my family is prone to diabetes. I am so afraid that once I tip over the edge, daily insulin shots will be in my future. I am fairly young right now, and it will only get more difficult once I age, so undoubtedly this will be a lifelong battle for me.
I’m not explicitly saying that I will be dieting from now on. I need to find something, anything, that will keep me going day after day, that is not a candy bar or a hamburger. Something healthy to look forward to. Even if its something nonsensical, like sunsets or, Netflix maybe. Something that keeps me going.