Lock and Key: Learning how to trust again after Depression

learning how to trust again is one of my most difficult challenges I’m dealing with as I recover from years of deep depression.

People hurt you. Friends and family have the power to destroy you from the inside out, to break you down—-so why even subject yourself to the potential pain, and instead make no lasting connections whatsoever? This has been my thought process for quite some time; even the people I consider “close”, i can’t help but keep at an arms distance. Too afraid to open up wide and spill out all my thoughts and problems and frustrations, even though they do not hesitate to spill their issues to me. I keep their secrets close to my heart; and I keep my own in a lockbox in my heart itself, never to come out. Once in a while, I speak about my mental illness, about how I feel like suicide is the best option sometimes, and the pity and fear on their faces are loud and telling, and I leave the conversation feeling worse.

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Remember these two? Sweet lord it’s been a while.

I keep their secrets close to my heart; and I keep my own in a lockbox in my heart itself, never to come out. Once in a while, I speak about my mental illness, about how I feel like suicide is the best option sometimes, and the pity and fear on their faces are loud and telling, and I leave the conversation feeling worse, because I loaded my problems onto their backs.

So I am most comfortable being stand-offish, because I’ve learned that even being sometimes nice to people can backfire. But its no way to live. I mean, it is a way to live, but one that is boring, devoid of adventure, and lonely. And I hate living like this. It sucks, and slowly, I’m learning how to let others in again. To be a nice person, knowing fully well that they have the power to hurt me and use that knowledge against me. To judge me.

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The man is other people, and the heart is me. Or is it my own heart? Who knows.

I have yet to learn that people will come and go in life. I think it’s because I don’t want them to leave, to bring that hurt into my life. I have been left many times, but I cannot be more thankful for the people that have stayed, and flourish with me.

I have a lot to offer, I think. More then I would ever give myself credit for. Slowly, I am going to unlock the secrets in my chest to someone, and I dearly hope that they will keep my secrets close to their heart as well.

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