one word blurb: lesson

i learned the lesson that what you give out to the world, you get back.

depression made me angry, frustrated that I couldn’t connect with my peers, wondering why it was me and not anybody else that seemed to be suffering. and with that state of being i became closed off. people agitated me, especially people standing too close or asking too many questions. they could literally feel the anger radiating off of me, to the point where I would have vacant seats around me because no one wanted to get close. i would actually have a stink coming out of my pores because i was so furious about my life in general.

in my quest for piece of mind, I have learned to outwardly radiate a contentedness, to mimic happiness and laughter. I have learned that people respond to friendliness, they feel warmed by a kind soul. i do not mind people sitting close to me anymore. i try to make people laugh, and feel comfortable. yesterday, in group therapy, we were tasked with an exercise in which we wrote nice comments about the others, and many of mind included my happy disposition, the fact that I made people comfortable, and that I was thoughtful, and these comments stung for all the wrong reasons. I do not feel this way about myself in the slightest. inside, i am still bitter and frustrated, but i have learned to hide it. But maybe, just maybe, in the future, I will be able to take that outward happiness and turn in inwards, so im radiating happiness from the inside. and i think thats a million times more beautiful.

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